True Story. False Pretense.
Telling Truth from Deception in Dating and Kink
Any time I turn on Feeld, I get flooded with “Likes”. As a woman with unfiltered photos on my profile, I’m perceived as a REAL person in a sea of scammers and bots. I’ve also been told that “swiping is a numbers game” so guys will basically swipe on anyone they’d be willing to have sex with. When a guy friend allowed me to scroll through his Tinder account, I was struck by how many profile photos were obviously filtered. There are lies about height, weight, age and a general deceptiveness in order to maximize the possibility of being Liked. The term for this is “Dating Market Value”.
Digital dating is a hellscape at baseline but it’s especially gruesome in Las Vegas. The talent pool is flooded with tourists: married people pretending to be single at business conferences; couples on holiday looking for a threesome; genuinely single people cruising for a one-night-stand. And of course, there are plenty of enterprising professionals on the apps who happily provide their companionship on a Fee-For-Service basis. There’s also the pervasive slew of thieves trying to empty your wallet or extort you.
This profit-driven enterprise capitalizes on and gamifies the desire for human connection. Which I find repulsive in ways that have nothing to do with sex. I’m among the growing contingent of people who have withdrawn from the digital romance marketplace. But I hear the grievances of friends, colleagues and patients who are trying their best to find connection in that world. I often get questions about how to clock predators who co-opt kinky and non-monogamous terminology to coerce people into play.
Though groups like “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” were designed to help protect women from known predators, those groups have evolved into forums that violate the privacy of and poke fun at men in legally questionable ways. I have a lot of empathy for men who are trying to date in good faith but fear that one false move in private could get them publicly crucified. While I sympathize for well-meaning guys, groups designed to protect women exist for a reason. If you’re a straight guy going on a first date with a woman, there’s a good chance she’s shared her location with a friend because part of her is afraid of you.
I’ve seen people use words like “hall pass”, “Dom” and “polyamorous” in ways that are code for “Three Red Flags in a Trench Coat.” Toxic masculinity marketing itself as kink is abundant. As is the appropriation of ENM as a shield for fucking around without emotional investment. Both of these tactics are deceptive and neither is operating in good-faith. So how does one distinguish between ethically sex-positive people and those who hide behind the language to manipulate?
Let’s kick things off with a question…
My Lover wants to tie me up, spank me and choke me. I’ve never dated a kinky man before but I like him and we have great vanilla sex. How do I navigate this as a newbie?
There are a LOT of fake “Doms” out there who have never done the work to understand Dominant/submissive (D/s) dynamics. Lena Dune has some fantastic essays on spotting fake Doms from the perspective of a submissive. I also wrote an article about the dangers of erotic choking; a practice which is especially common among people under 40; and often inflicted on women by men without consent. A little slap and tickle during vanilla sex is all well and good if done consensually. A true D/s dynamic can be a deeply emotional experience but it requires some self awareness and lots of vulnerable communication.
Some people come out of the gate kinky, some people develop kinks over time and some people simply aren’t wired for non-vanilla play. Whatever your flavor (except pedophilia, zoophilia and other illegal acts) that’s totally okay. If your partner’s particular kink isn’t your thing, it’s okay to tell them so. Sexual incompatibility is a completely valid reason to go your separate ways.
If you’re genuinely interested in exploring the world of kink, I’d recommend asking your partner what they understand about themself and their boundaries.
What are the origins of their kink?
Did they start off kinky or develop these interests over time?
Have they completed any checklists or assessments of interests that could help you better understand what they’re into? (This isn’t a requirement but there are lots of resources on the internet to see if your interests align with your potential partner)
What are their hard and soft limits?
How do they understand bondage and related safety concerns?
What do they plan for safe words and aftercare?
Are they familiar with the terms Safe-Sane-Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware-Consensual-Kink (RACK)?
What does coercion look like in Non-Monogamy
When it comes to non-monogamy, I hear grievances that those who identify as non-monogamous just want to play the field without commitment or emotional investment. In some cases this is true. I don’t see this as a bad thing as long as the person/people in question are being honest about their intentions. That said, there’s a difference between hookup culture and relationship-driven polyamory. Lying or leading someone to believe that you want a relationship when you really want no-strings-attached (NSA) play is coercion. And sex obtained through coercion isn’t truly consensual.
After years of Field Research and witness testimony, the following are some behavioral signals that deserve attention. These apply regardless of the gender, relational preferences or sexuality of the person in question.
Red flags
Not having boundaries/Never having considered ones’ own boundaries
Bragging about what they’ve done to/with other partners
Comparing you to others
Pressuring you to move faster or more aggressively than what you’re comfortable with
Lack of attention to aftercare
Not respecting the time it takes to build trust
Not being receptive to or intentionally seeking out feedback
How experienced are they? Are they qualified to do the things that are being negotiated? (reading, classes, workshops, therapy, etc)?
Can others vouch for them? (An endorsement by a former lover or play partner is a huge Green Flag!)
How do they check in or receive feedback during or after play?
Unwillingness to be screened for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and provide documentation of results
Negotiating or playing while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Inebriation often leads to consent violations and accusations of assault.
On the topic of Parties…
If you’re a woman who’s invited to a party where men and couples are paying cover and your attendance is free, you are the product being sold by the organizers. It’s like a form of unpaid sex-work. Once you see this, you can’t unsee it.
Consent is more about autonomy than permission. Robbing someone of their agency in any context can lead to emotional manipulation and accusations of assault. Whether you’re navigating new territory with an established partner or surviving in the jungle of online dating, my advice is to listen to your instincts. It’s okay to try new things but it’s also okay to say no. If someone isn’t making you a stronger, happier and more fulfilled version of your core self, it’s okay to move on. Consent can be withdrawn from anyone at any time for any reason.
The above article is a re-run of a previously published essay. It seemed relevant because I’m slated to join Dana DuBois this Thursday March 12th at 10am EST/7am PST to talk about dating and sexual health. I encourage you to have a look at the article she published about bad sex and consent violation.
Since this piece was originally published (August, 2024), I’ve stopped using dating apps completely. I’m certainly not alone in my Big Data withdrawal. In addition to the duplicity in online romance, I’ve become increasingly apprehensive about the use of AI on those platforms. If someone can’t be bothered to write their own dating profile, why should I bother to read it? If they’re using AI to “optimize” their dating life, are they using that device to psychoanalyze my text messages? The idea of this gives me the Ultimate Ick. It’s also a consent violation as far as I’m concerned.
I would like to credit Ally | Modern Love Insights for some of the Red Flags enumerated at the end of this piece.
For a Friend…
My close friend in the United States was diagnosed with uterine cancer. When I spent most of 2021 disabled and recovering from a femur fracture, she was there to help take care of me. Because she lives in the US, she’s struggling to afford medical treatment. It would mean the world to me if you would consider kicking in any amount to help her on this journey. Her GoFundMe is here:
This was very insightful. I’ve gotten off the dating apps. And we might agree. I think it can be quite the roller coaster for your emotional mental health. The instant love bombing for them not having genuine care for you. As for the Dom world. I know all about it. I so agree with you. And you are right. The lifestyle is different and it’s easy to spot posers. Full disclosure. I do not get the choking thing. And I can’t get off choking someone. I’m a guy. And have had a woman leave the relationship because I don’t do this. . And it kind of creeps me out. That dynamic just doesn’t vibe with me. Any woman who I sub with or who Doms me we are very clear with what we’re doing. This from past experience. I always ask do you like this? Is this something you enjoy doing? I think that’s important. part of what I enjoy is giving a woman power and allowing her to be or play that role she enjoys doing. That is some of the appeal of sub dom to me at least. Thank you for this. It was refreshing to read. You are the best.
Thank you for putting this up. Although I know myself as the most vanilla, romance-is-hot, flirting-is-half-the- excitement person, I am always open to learning about people and interests beyond my personal horizon.
My personal switch is a sense of humour. Someone else's may be the potential to safely submit. They're equal expressions of sexuality. And it's good to learn about those expressions outside my wheelhouse. So thank you for teaching me something today.