How to Pleasure a Woman

Hint: Stop focusing on your own <eggplant emoji>

Question: I would like to read your recommendations on effective foreplay with intercourse as the end game. What does a woman ‘expect’ and to what degree are these expectations different than a man’s?

I could teach an entire workshop on this!

The framing of the question indicates an agenda: intercourse. I invite you to take that agenda off the table and focus on pleasuring your partner. Not on your own ejaculation. 

It’s impossible to say what all women “expect” because every woman is different. Techniques that are a total turn-on for one lover may be a libido killer for another. Women come in different flavors of vanilla, kinky and even traumatized. This is where communication is key. In addition to asking your partner about her desires, fantasies and boundaries, it’s important to tune into the subtle signals of her body language. 

A big part of learning to be an amazing lover is learning to LISTEN! Both to verbal responses and to non-verbal cues. Does your partner appear to be enthusiastic or is she just going along with your advances out of a sense of obligation? Is she leaning in or pulling away? Centering the experience on giving her shivers rather than getting your rocks off might result in an increased desire on her part to play with you. Resulting in more frequent and satisfying play for both.

The concept of “foreplay” implies that any sexual act that does not involve penetration of an orifice by a penis doesn’t qualify as sex. The “main event” from the perspective of a man seems to be penetration culminating in his ejaculation. This narrow, goal-oriented and arguably self-centered view of intimacy leaves a lot to be desired for many women. Especially if he makes a habit of treating her like nothing more than a receptacle for his semen.

The fact is that penetration is not a requirement for a woman to climax. Studies have shown that the majority of women cannot achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. Clitoral stimulation alone, however, can result in orgasm. This is a handy thing to keep in mind if your partner is on her period, if she’s postpartum or if she has pain with penetration due to menopause or chemotherapy. If you’re unfamiliar with The Rose suction toy, I recommend familiarizing yourself with this amazing device or purchasing one as a gift for your partner (or yourself). The Womanizer, despite it’s unfortunate moniker, will produce similarly moan-inducing results.

As it turns out, men are also capable of achieving climax without inserting their penis into a hole. How? Through prostate stimulation. Yes, a man can achieve orgasm while being completely flaccid. Which is a handy trick for guys who struggle with erectile dysfunction. Countless men deny themselves the pleasure of prostate stimulation because they think there’s a “Gay Button” hidden inside their rectum. Trust me, there’s not. I’ve checked. (I included a primer on prostate play in my Male Anatomy 101 video for your educational benefit.)

All this being said, not everyone is receptive to every iteration of play. Some people are asexual. Some people have a history of sexual assault or carry the shame of religious trauma. These experiences can make the negotiation or physical act of sexual exploration very uncomfortable. If this is a barrier to a desired expansion of sexual experiences, sex therapists and even surrogate partner therapy can help individuals identify and work through barriers to deeper intimacy.

Back to the Question at Hand:

Imagine for a moment the experience of two women entering a sexual encounter. There is no assumption of who is doing what so the terms and boundaries of the encounter have to be negotiated. This is in contrast to the heterosexual assumption that the man will be the dominant/giver/top and the woman will be the passive/submissive/bottom. If you’re in an established, monogamous, heterosexual relationship, perhaps these roles are already defined. But based on the number of questions I hear about “spicing up” a monogamous relationship, the thought exercise is worthwhile. 

There might be considerable “spice” in the arena of role-reversal where the male partner services his female partner through such loving acts as:

• giving her a bubble bath

• washing her hair

• head to toe application of lotion

• scalp massage

• body massage

• foot massage

• servicing her exclusively with his tongue or toys

Imagine having an entire encounter where PIV/PIA is off the table!

*PIV = penis-in-vagina; PIA = penis-in anus

 

I like to start conversations about intimacy with a simple question: “What are you into?”

The answer to this question will vary from person-to-person, encounter to encounter and may evolve over the course of a relationship. You won’t know your partner’s fantasies unless you ask. If they want to try something that you’re not into, it’s okay to kindly decline but don’t react with rejection or disgust. If they feel like the target of ridicule based on your reaction, they are unlikely to be so vulnerable with you in the future.

I’m not a fan of the clickbait formula “5 strategies for giving your partner mind-blowing orgasms”. But there are a few things that are true from a medical standpoint. This is assuming a gender binary and a heterosexual couple because that’s how the question was posed. But the same principals apply to folks who were assigned female at birth.

• The biggest sexual organ is the one between the ears. If you engage her mind with playful and stimulating conversation prior to a planned encounter, you’re warming up the engine. If you do this over text (with consent) you can fuel her erotic imagination without even being in the same room. DO NOT SEND UNSOLICITED DICK PICS!

• Many areas can be erogenous zones. Think about directing blood flow from the head, neck, arms and legs towards the pelvis. Massage her scalp, kiss her ears, run your tongue along her neck and collarbones. Massage her hands and feet. Work your way in but be MINDFUL about your touch. Take the time to perceive how your fingertips, lips or tongue feel on her body. Pay attention to how she responds. Appreciate all of the sensations. Again, focus on the pleasure you’re providing to your partner rather than centering the experience on your own agenda.

• It takes about 20 minutes to get adequate blood flow to the vulvar and clitoral tissues. If you’re not familiar with this anatomy, feel free to check out my instructional video Female Anatomy 101. 

• Most women require clitoral stimulation in order to climax. Become familiar with where your partner’s clit is and how it likes to be stimulated. Get creative! Learn to use your fingers, tongue, lubricants and toys. Aggressive rubbing in the general vicinity is not foreplay.

• Ask your partner what she feels like doing. She is the expert on her own body and will tell you if you ask with genuine interest in maximizing her pleasure.

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Under the White Coat News:

• On Saturday, November 23rd at 1:00pm, I’ll be hosting a Book Club to discuss The Anxious Generation by John Haidt. We will do a roundtable discussion of the book, it’s critiques and the role of technology in the lives of children more broadly. You can purchase the book here and register for the book club here.

• I’m currently putting together a workshop on Intimacy throughout Menopause. This live presentation will include up-to-date information on topical and systemic hormone therapy, mental heath, pelvic floor dysfunction and intimacy. Join me on Zoom December 7 at 4pmEST/1pm PST. You can register for this workshop here.

• I’ve been invited to give a presentation at the joint conference of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health and the International Society of Sexual Medicine. The topic is legal frameworks, human trafficking and equitable healthcare for sex-workers. My goal with this project is to give voice to millions of stigmatized and marginalized people around the world. I’ll share what I learn through interviews and articles as I prepare for this important talk.