"Everybody is dealing with how much of their aliveness they can bear and how much they need to anesthetize themselves. We all have self-cures for strong feeling. Then the self-cure becomes a problem in the obvious sense that the problem of the alcoholic is not alcohol but sobriety. Drinking becomes a problem, but actually the problem is what is being cured by the alcohol. By the time we’re adults we’ve all become alcoholics. That’s to say we’ve all developed ways to deaden certain feelings and thoughts. " — Adam Phillips
The obnoxiousness of people who drink causes me to move quickly in the other direction. Alcohol is so baked into Christianity that the ritual of drinking wine represents consuming the blood of the savior. WTF!
My mother was in AA for 34 years. My father dead at 61 from alcohol abuse.
AA works for some but not all. Pretty much every AA meeting I’ve been to ends with the lords prayer.
It is about replacing spirits with spirituality.
As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. I will take a walk in the woods and rest in nature.
I made the decision to remove alcohol from my life without hitting "rock bottom" and even I struggled to feel like I deserved to be sober. The misconception that sobriety must come from severe alcohol use is difficult to see around. Everyone can carry this false belief - drinkers and non-drinkers. This is an important message that must be heard both inside and outside the recovery community. Thank you!
"Lots of relationships end as a result of compulsive drinking."
I was going to respond to this with a cute anecdote from my drinking years and the time I pursued a guy who when we finally went out turned out to be sober. When he didn't / wouldn't order a drink, I got up and walked out the door, so I guess, I ended it before it started as a result of MY alcoholism.
Then I read further and I have to wave my hand and say wait a second here. One of the traditions of AA is anonymity at the level of press, radio and television, and the reason behind that is so that no one is seen as an example of AA working or not. Like when Robert Downey kept relapsing.
I've worked in harm reduction, needle exchange and been a part of the recovery community for over 30 years. You're not representing the true scope of the program. It's true, the program (lower case, it's not a cult) isn't for everyone, but for many it's a lifesaver.
In two paragraphs about AA, you listed one possible positive outcome for anyone going to AA, the rest was disparaging, as if you're saying forewarned is forearmed.
"The 12 Steps of AA are grounded in Christian philosophy with a lot of reliance on a Higher Power. I’ve heard of people who stopped seeking support in recovery as a result of being badgered about religion."
- AA is specifically not religious and doesn't insist on anyone using a Christian god. There is a chapter titled "We Agnostics" that addresses some of those concerns. All the text advises you to come to terms with is that YOU are not god. You are not in charge of the world. That's it. Many people come in and balk at the language in the book known as the Big Book and for just that reason this last year a new version was released, the Plain Language Version of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the personal stories in the back change with the times with every new printing. It's affiliation with organized religion is what makes it so welcoming for so many from atheists, agnostics, Jews, Christians, Muslims and the list goes on. There is room for everyone and in the writing of the Big Book they specifically used multiple ways to refer to a higher power so that no one felt excluded.
When it was originally founded by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, there were no women coming to meetings, just as women weren't visible in a lot of places in the 1930s. There was a big deal when the first African American wanted to attend a meeting, that's not an issue. Times change, AA has changed with it. There are topic specific meetings for those who want it -women's meetings, artists meetings, queer meetings, blah, blah, blah.
13th stepping - Yeah, it happens. Just like sexual harassement all over every industry, people will prey on the weaker. But many meetings have things in place to deal with predators and I wouldn't say it's a pattern. It happens. But I can honestly say in three decades, while not rare, and not restricted to heterosexuals, it's not a pattern, not some evil shadow looming over someone's attempt to get sober.
"The gist is that vulnerable newcomers seeking support in these programs are preyed upon by older or more experienced members of the community... leaders use their positions of relative power to manipulate emotionally vulnerable newcomers to recovery. This is not exclusively an AA phenomenon."
Your take on AA is very biased. Either haven't been a part of AA, had limited exposure or perhaps a bad experience yourself. I can't speak to AA in small towns, but in major cities, your description is blatantly one-sided. Any group is going to be a reflection of the area it's in.
I appreciate that you remind us this is not an exclusively AA phenomenon.
AA is not for everyone. But if you're going to present it at all, maybe consider being more objective about the presentation. You mention Community, and AA is that. For many people it is that third place* we all need.
*Social surroundings that are separate from the two usual social environments of home ("first place") and the workplace ("second place").
This is more long-winded than I'd intended. Obviously, I feel as strongly about this as you do, but with a very different take. And I have to agree, putting down the drink changed my life for the better in almost every way.
I think that one of the things we tend to side-step is our tendency to see those who fall prey to things like alcoholism (and I would put smoking and drug addiction in the same category) as "weaker" than the so-called "strong" that do not develop dependency.
Biologically, we are all distinct and our life experiences that might lead us towards or away from addiction are also unique.
Full disclosure: There is a lot of drug addiction and alcoholism on one side of my family tree. It is distinctly on my paternal grandmother's side. Fortunately, I escaped this family curse, but it was not because of my character. I simply was NOT biologically set up to drink in excess. In my early years I never understood why anyone would bother drinking to excess because I had a lucky tendency to get the hangover before I got the high. Who is going to want to drink if you get a splitting headache within about 20 minutes? So, in my college years and twenties, I became the perennial designated driver.
The drug thing? I never tried it AT ALL - not even marijuana - due to the high frequency of addiction in the family. I knew I got lucky with the alcohol. As a young adult, I decided not to press my luck with experimentation in other areas.
It's important to look at these issues square in the face, but without moralizing too much. Our tendency is to judge too quickly and condemn behavior. This can make the behavior worse and increase the addiction,
As a sober vegan, I find that people view my eating/drinking habits as “restrictive”, but I have found them freeing. Thankfully, I was never addicted to alcohol or food, but I ate and drank what those around me did. Now my intake reflects my ethics and my commitment to health. How it strikes others is not my concern, although I find myself trying to help people be comfortable with it.
Thanks for this very important resource, Amber. Also, thank you for the mention of my stack. To clarify for your readers, The Next Write Thing is primarily focused on recovery first from disordered thinking and eating. My recovery work is thanks to two 12 Step programs. Thankfully, alcohol hasn't been my go-to coping mechanism; food has played that part in my life. In that recovery process I discovered that my disordered eating was/is rooted in childhood trauma. And so I made an addition to my healing resources and starting attending Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. Both of my programs have led me to the life I've always wanted and spurred me to finally take the leap and be brave enough within myself to start writing. I've never been happier or more free. Recovery, whatever avenue a person decides to take is absolutely achievable. xo
"Everybody is dealing with how much of their aliveness they can bear and how much they need to anesthetize themselves. We all have self-cures for strong feeling. Then the self-cure becomes a problem in the obvious sense that the problem of the alcoholic is not alcohol but sobriety. Drinking becomes a problem, but actually the problem is what is being cured by the alcohol. By the time we’re adults we’ve all become alcoholics. That’s to say we’ve all developed ways to deaden certain feelings and thoughts. " — Adam Phillips
"Everybody is dealing with how much of their aliveness they can bear" I like that, I want to remember that. Thank you
great message that never goes out of style for those seeking self improvement and peace. thanks - enjoy your new adventure!
Amber, I've given your article a prominent link in an update to my Post about alcohol:
https://drmick.substack.com/p/alcohol-whats-the-fuss
Thank you 😃 I appreciate your voice in this conversation
I like drinking. But I LOVE life without it.
The obnoxiousness of people who drink causes me to move quickly in the other direction. Alcohol is so baked into Christianity that the ritual of drinking wine represents consuming the blood of the savior. WTF!
My mother was in AA for 34 years. My father dead at 61 from alcohol abuse.
AA works for some but not all. Pretty much every AA meeting I’ve been to ends with the lords prayer.
It is about replacing spirits with spirituality.
As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. I will take a walk in the woods and rest in nature.
I made the decision to remove alcohol from my life without hitting "rock bottom" and even I struggled to feel like I deserved to be sober. The misconception that sobriety must come from severe alcohol use is difficult to see around. Everyone can carry this false belief - drinkers and non-drinkers. This is an important message that must be heard both inside and outside the recovery community. Thank you!
This is so important to share! Thanks Amber!
"Lots of relationships end as a result of compulsive drinking."
I was going to respond to this with a cute anecdote from my drinking years and the time I pursued a guy who when we finally went out turned out to be sober. When he didn't / wouldn't order a drink, I got up and walked out the door, so I guess, I ended it before it started as a result of MY alcoholism.
Then I read further and I have to wave my hand and say wait a second here. One of the traditions of AA is anonymity at the level of press, radio and television, and the reason behind that is so that no one is seen as an example of AA working or not. Like when Robert Downey kept relapsing.
I've worked in harm reduction, needle exchange and been a part of the recovery community for over 30 years. You're not representing the true scope of the program. It's true, the program (lower case, it's not a cult) isn't for everyone, but for many it's a lifesaver.
In two paragraphs about AA, you listed one possible positive outcome for anyone going to AA, the rest was disparaging, as if you're saying forewarned is forearmed.
"The 12 Steps of AA are grounded in Christian philosophy with a lot of reliance on a Higher Power. I’ve heard of people who stopped seeking support in recovery as a result of being badgered about religion."
- AA is specifically not religious and doesn't insist on anyone using a Christian god. There is a chapter titled "We Agnostics" that addresses some of those concerns. All the text advises you to come to terms with is that YOU are not god. You are not in charge of the world. That's it. Many people come in and balk at the language in the book known as the Big Book and for just that reason this last year a new version was released, the Plain Language Version of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the personal stories in the back change with the times with every new printing. It's affiliation with organized religion is what makes it so welcoming for so many from atheists, agnostics, Jews, Christians, Muslims and the list goes on. There is room for everyone and in the writing of the Big Book they specifically used multiple ways to refer to a higher power so that no one felt excluded.
When it was originally founded by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, there were no women coming to meetings, just as women weren't visible in a lot of places in the 1930s. There was a big deal when the first African American wanted to attend a meeting, that's not an issue. Times change, AA has changed with it. There are topic specific meetings for those who want it -women's meetings, artists meetings, queer meetings, blah, blah, blah.
13th stepping - Yeah, it happens. Just like sexual harassement all over every industry, people will prey on the weaker. But many meetings have things in place to deal with predators and I wouldn't say it's a pattern. It happens. But I can honestly say in three decades, while not rare, and not restricted to heterosexuals, it's not a pattern, not some evil shadow looming over someone's attempt to get sober.
"The gist is that vulnerable newcomers seeking support in these programs are preyed upon by older or more experienced members of the community... leaders use their positions of relative power to manipulate emotionally vulnerable newcomers to recovery. This is not exclusively an AA phenomenon."
Your take on AA is very biased. Either haven't been a part of AA, had limited exposure or perhaps a bad experience yourself. I can't speak to AA in small towns, but in major cities, your description is blatantly one-sided. Any group is going to be a reflection of the area it's in.
I appreciate that you remind us this is not an exclusively AA phenomenon.
AA is not for everyone. But if you're going to present it at all, maybe consider being more objective about the presentation. You mention Community, and AA is that. For many people it is that third place* we all need.
*Social surroundings that are separate from the two usual social environments of home ("first place") and the workplace ("second place").
This is more long-winded than I'd intended. Obviously, I feel as strongly about this as you do, but with a very different take. And I have to agree, putting down the drink changed my life for the better in almost every way.
I think that one of the things we tend to side-step is our tendency to see those who fall prey to things like alcoholism (and I would put smoking and drug addiction in the same category) as "weaker" than the so-called "strong" that do not develop dependency.
Biologically, we are all distinct and our life experiences that might lead us towards or away from addiction are also unique.
Full disclosure: There is a lot of drug addiction and alcoholism on one side of my family tree. It is distinctly on my paternal grandmother's side. Fortunately, I escaped this family curse, but it was not because of my character. I simply was NOT biologically set up to drink in excess. In my early years I never understood why anyone would bother drinking to excess because I had a lucky tendency to get the hangover before I got the high. Who is going to want to drink if you get a splitting headache within about 20 minutes? So, in my college years and twenties, I became the perennial designated driver.
The drug thing? I never tried it AT ALL - not even marijuana - due to the high frequency of addiction in the family. I knew I got lucky with the alcohol. As a young adult, I decided not to press my luck with experimentation in other areas.
It's important to look at these issues square in the face, but without moralizing too much. Our tendency is to judge too quickly and condemn behavior. This can make the behavior worse and increase the addiction,
As a sober vegan, I find that people view my eating/drinking habits as “restrictive”, but I have found them freeing. Thankfully, I was never addicted to alcohol or food, but I ate and drank what those around me did. Now my intake reflects my ethics and my commitment to health. How it strikes others is not my concern, although I find myself trying to help people be comfortable with it.
I just read this wondering what is being conveyed here that I don’t know —-
1). that worrying about the bone of CONTENTIONS has no possible benefits unless it leads to mirth & away from them poly ticks.
2. how do I as a grandparent find the most subtle hint of my legacy with humor
Is there a children’s version of the book? M O LECULE OF MORE ?
Oh what fun
3. Have more questions than answers
4. No longer do I need answers
yet
AHAH MOMENTS always welcome
5. Now I am taking a picture of an open juniper berry
Am enjoying & enjoining
Thanks for this very important resource, Amber. Also, thank you for the mention of my stack. To clarify for your readers, The Next Write Thing is primarily focused on recovery first from disordered thinking and eating. My recovery work is thanks to two 12 Step programs. Thankfully, alcohol hasn't been my go-to coping mechanism; food has played that part in my life. In that recovery process I discovered that my disordered eating was/is rooted in childhood trauma. And so I made an addition to my healing resources and starting attending Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. Both of my programs have led me to the life I've always wanted and spurred me to finally take the leap and be brave enough within myself to start writing. I've never been happier or more free. Recovery, whatever avenue a person decides to take is absolutely achievable. xo
Thanks so much for the mention and for being "the doctor who encourages alcohol cessation." Yes!
Stop