What if You Didn't?

Last week I took a casual scroll through Feeld. Like wandering through a digital social gathering, I was curious to see what offerings are on the menu in my new city. It’s been a while since I’ve pursued the app so I was pleasantly surprised by a profile term that seems far more common here than in my previous location:

SOBER.

To be clear, I’m not a regular user of the apps because I’m fundamentally opposed to their business model. However, as a tool for examining sexual relationships, I find it revealing. I recognize that I’m in the minority in my anti-dating app stance. But allow me to elaborate anyway.

For those who choose to use apps, I think revealing one’s alcohol consumption status is as important as factors like relationship constructs (mono vs poly), kink preferences, sexuality, smoking habits and parenting responsibilities. An individual’s relationship to alcohol can be a make-or-break issue when it comes to dating. Lots of relationships end as a result of compulsive drinking.

I’ve been sober for a few years now and generally don’t have much patience for inebriated people. I’m more likely to turn down invitations to events centered around booze because they’re boring to me. And I find drunkenness to be obnoxious. (This is one of the many reasons why I left Las Vegas.)

I notice that my sobriety sometimes makes others uncomfortable; as if my abstinence holds up a mirror requiring them to examine their own consumption. At this point, I honestly don’t mind about that.

From a medical standpoint, I will always be the doctor who encourages alcohol cessation. If I could give you one piece of medical advice that’s guaranteed to improve your physical health, your metabolism, your mental clarity and your emotional wellbeing, my advice is to avoid booze. The practice of sobriety will also save you money so there really are no downsides.

During a recent encounter, a patient said to me:

“This is gonna make me sound like an alcoholic, but whatever. I’ll just tell you. I quit drinking this year and it’s made a huge difference in how I feel! I’m sleeping better, I have more energy and the mental clarity I have is amazing. I wouldn’t consider myself a problem drinker but a few drinks a week was making an impact that I’d didn’t fully appreciate until I stopped.”

There’s a common misconception that in order to get sober, one has to “hit rock bottom”. But what if Rock Bottom is simply the point at which one decides to stop digging?

I don’t consider substance use, or any compulsive behavior, to be a matter of moral failure. Most often, it’s an attempt to self-medicate uncomfortable emotional states. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, overeating, gambling, shopping, scrolling, exercise or compulsive busyness, the root of all these behaviors is escapism. An attempt to numb out or avoid being present in one’s own mind. Given the ubiquity of untreated mental illness and general despair at the current state of techno-capitalism, I honestly have a lot of empathy for efforts to try of dull the pain.

Given my personal and professional stance on the benefits of alcohol-freedom, what resources can I offer to support those curious about quitting? I do my best to take an integrative approach to advising people who are trying their hand at sobriety. There are lots of reasons to quit and lots of ways to get and stay sober.

Peer Support

Alcoholics Anonymous has helped millions of people. But “The Program” isn’t a great fit for everyone. The 12 Steps of AA are grounded in Christian philosophy with a lot of reliance on a Higher Power. I’ve heard of people who stopped seeking support in recovery as a result of being badgered about religion.

The Steps were written in the United States in the 1930’s by founder Bill W. for an audience of men; which can be problematic for some women and queer folk. There’s a well known pattern of “13th Stepping” in AA and adjacent recovery communities. The gist is that vulnerable newcomers seeking support in these programs are preyed upon by older or more experienced members of the community. Sometimes people considered to be leaders use their positions of relative power to manipulate emotionally vulnerable newcomers to recovery. This is not exclusively an AA phenomenon.

Several groups have cropped up to offer peer support for those seeking secular alternatives in their path to recovery. Life Ring, Recovery Dharma and dozens of other secular groups are available for online zoom meetings around the world. Some meetings are specifically for women and some are specifically for LGBTQ folk.

Exercise

Exercise can be a daily reprieve from the chaos of the world that also provides a healthy alternative to cheap dopamine. If you tend to drink at night or after work, consider signing up for a fitness class or going for a walk as a means of relaxing after a stressful day. If you drink on the weekends, try planning an outing that requires physical exertion instead of one that centers around booze.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness meditation can be an incredibly effective tool for becoming comfortable in one’s own mind. If sitting still isn’t your jam, try a walking meditation without your headphones so that you can tune into the sights and sounds around you. Things like cooking or creating art, if done with intention, are just as effective for quieting the mind as sitting in the lotus position. Yoga is a practice that blends movement and mindfulness in a way that many people in recovery find helpful.

Community

Surrounding oneself with other sober people or finding community in online recovery groups are crucial. Sober meetings are known for happening at churches but many other groups find meeting spaces at rec centers and other public facilities. There are also thousands of meetings happening online at every hour of every day around the world. It can really help to recognize yourself in someone else’s story of recovery.

A Word of Caution

Heavy, daily drinkers should consult a medical professional to assist with a plan for tapering. The reason why some patients require detoxification and rehab is because alcohol withdrawal can trigger seizures.

If you’re a light drinker, going from a few drinks per week to alcohol-freedom shouldn’t really be that hard. If you find the process to be more difficult than you expected, just know that there’s a world of support available to hold you through it.

The following Substack writers have work that focuses, at least in part, on recovery and the deep self-examination that comes with living sober.

The Next Write Thing by

Nan Tepper

Rat Park with

Carl Erik Fisher

Beyond Liquid Courage by

Tawny Lara

The Sobriety Series by

Dana Leigh Lyons

Other Resources:

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction by Gabor Mate, MD

A Long Walk Out of the Woods: A Physician’s Story of Addiction, Depression, Hope and Recovery Adam B. Hill, MD

Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Anna Lembke, MD

The Molecule of More: How a Single Molecule in Your Brain Drives Love, Sex and Creativity- And Will Determine the Fate of the Human Race by Daniel Lieberman, MD and Michael E. Long, et al.