I’m so glad you made to the “other” side of so much trauma. What an amazing story of strength and resilience but holy smokes what it took to come out on the other side, no one should be put through that. There should be a viewer warning before seeing that X-ray. That’s one ugly film that makes me cringe with sympathy pain, yikes!
We’re grateful to have you here in Canada and hope you find peace, healing, friendships and abundant good health.
Thank you for sharing your compelling story. The grind of medical school and residency certainly can humble (and at times humiliate) those of us who have experienced it. Coupled with well-meaning but sometimes misguided clinicians who treated you compounded the ordeal.
It’s a tribute to your strength and dedication that you’ve become the caring physician you are today.
yup- i feel you on all of this- i prescribed ssri's for myself during residency (it was legal way back then to prescribe for yourself in Massachusetts) and limped through the last year. Becoming an attending was so much better and trying to be the kind doctor to residents and medical students instead of that pimping a**hole felt therapeutic. Part of the joy of being an attending was prob from the sheer relief of no longer being a resident subject to the whims of who(m?)ever was in charge that day, all claiming to be following standard of care and yet all wanting difft things. During the worst part of residency i actually felt like the patients were getting in the way of doing my job- like, wtf? they are the job, they are the reason- looking back I can't believe I got to that point. I wasn't actively suicidal, but i did have fantasies of a mild car accident and needing to be hospitalized as a break. Though when that did happen to a coresident (similar)- they had to be back to work while in a cast. We all start with the best of intentions (at least most of us, I hope) and somewhere along the way get broken. I trained in the early 2000s so i'm hoping it's better now, but reading more recent doctors' experiences, I'm not so sure. Okay- and one more comment to this already long one- then there's the risk of getting sued. I left medicine because that risk was not worth it. I just spoke with another friend who left medicine in the US after being named in a suit because of the trauma of that- she was eventually dropped but she too decided it wasn't worth it. Now she's looking into returning to seeing patients in Canada- where there seems to be way less of a threat. and let me maybe add here too- that I did get sued from my penultimate shift, and it was horrible. It took 7 years, and was dismissed two weeks before I was set to be put on trial. I don't think I've ever said that publicly. Though I write under a difft last name- because additionally, one of the cardiothoracic surgeons at my hospital was shot and killed by the son of one of his patients. I worked with him in the ED, he took care of my mother in law as well, and he was a gentle kind person, not the stereotype of the uncaring surgeon.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience. So much solidarity for everything you mention. From being nice to trainees to fear of violence and lawsuits.
I think people assume that my move to Canada was politically motivated. It was insofar as I lost all faith that any political figure in the US had the capacity to muster the courage to propose meaningful change to the healthcare system. And I had a growing fear of being assaulted or sued because of the growing hostility against doctors in general. Not to mention that I couldn’t afford health insurance so getting sick or injured again probably would have bankrupted me.
The WSJ ran a podcast episode this week about the 2025 exodus of Americans from the US. The two leading reasons the report gave as reasons for leaving were healthcare and gun violence.
And re the move: we're glad you did. And we hope more front line care folks who are jammed up, spinning on the hamster wheel of burnout/ pill-pushing as the fix/ and the damage to smart, capable and caring health pros it can all cause will consider joining us up here in the True North.
Your comments about the trauma of being sued rang true. As a 🇨🇦, I can confirm that we are a much less litigious culture than the US-much tougher hurdles concerning legitimate damages, versus nuisance suits intended for punishment or profiteering at the physician's expense. An example: 23 years af
ago, I had a recurrence of cancer, and a total pelvic exenteration surgery. When I woke up, my forearm and thumb and index fingers were numb from being extended in kne position for too long, resulting in some nerve damage.
My sister the OR nurse working in the US insisted (while I was still lying in a hosputal bed)that I should sue. I told her "You know, there were about 100 things in this that had to go right. I'm just going to concentrate on the 99 that did." And that is quintessentially Canadian.
That’s a very inspiring perspective and I’m sure that it has been a huge source of support for getting through recurrent cancer and treatments(!) I also wonder if the source of lawsuits in the US isn’t also related to the precariousness of patients and their family’s financial risks or lack of good health insurance. (The number one cause of bankruptcy in the US is from medical bills.) Such a rich country and no taking care of its own people. There was a program at UMichigan a while back about the hospital covering complications so that no one was put in a situation to have to sue to recover expenses, and that also freed up the physicians to reach out to patients instead of their malpractice insurance forbidding them (actually covering the hospital’s interest) when something went wrong. One of the most painful parts of being sued is that I couldn’t reach out to my patient’s family to say how sorry I was for their parent’s death. In this case I hadn’t made a mistake- I made mistakes with other patients that thankfully did not result in death or serious injury/complications - and wasn’t allowed to reach out to anyone else who cared for our shared patient (nurses, residents). It was a very isolating and basically traumatic experience made worse by the way malpractice runs. Well, this is a long reply, I suppose it’s still sits with me years later.
I think you are bang on in making the connection between the for profit US health care system, and the predilection of patients with less than perfect outcomes to sue.
When medical bankruptcy is actually a measured category, it makes perfect sense that patients and their families would seek a court's help, when going up against corporate medicine and thrir insurance companies.
And the practitioners get ground up in the middle.
In our 🇨🇦 system, complaints are first directed to each province or territories College of Physicians and Surgeons.
They are the professional governance and licensing boards, that can samction, fine, and ultimately strip a doctor of their license.
And Canadians still have the option of suing. But our court's accept lawsuits primarily based on proven financial losses suffered-punitive damages aren't a category.
I appreciate the solidarity, Scott. And am also glad I got out.
I don’t know if it’s exclusive to US training but there a certain type of professional bullying and intellectual hostility that seems baked into training from Day 1 of the clinical years. Just this morning, a senior American doctor excused his patronizing tone by saying “having a sense of humor is how we get through the day with these patients.”
All I could think was “If you need self-righteous condescension and gallows humor to get through the day, maybe it’s time to retire.”
From my perspective, the reason these hacks and influencers are trying to burn down institutional medicine is largely because we’ve been unwilling to confront our own uncertainty, injustices and past mistakes. The opioid crisis, the hormone scare and COVID are large scale examples of these mistakes. Being a patronizing, defensive ass when being called out on it is part of the problem.
Not directly related but... I once went with my wife to an ENT appt. The Dr was impatient and obnoxious, and did NOT like us asking questions (???). As he was walking out I said "Just one more question." He paused but didn't look back. I said "Do you practice being obnoxious or does it just come natural ?" He flinched and kept going. I could hear his staff snickering. Made my day.
Wow, you've been through so much. So glad you made it through to become your healthier, happier self and to stand up as one of the "good ones" out there. I'm proud to know you. 💗
It was clearly a tough ride to get beyond the challenges of health and a medical system that got institutionalized through books and rather dead characters in ex cathedra teachings without real openness. Respect for how you succeeded to not drown in the ocean of serious issues.
I had similar experiences, but I learned my 'lessons' earlier. I am a currently retired engineer but my sons are both MD. I'm absolutely not against doctors because they are highly trained, but my experience is that they often follow a script that has been planted in their mind and then refuse to look further.
I my case, (when I was about 50 yo) I fell from one problem into the next one due to the narrow scope of looking at an illness. You have severe backpain, take this pill, your intestines got in trouble, take that, your heart starts doing strange, take something extra, ... , you get many scans of your organs, blood investigations, etc.
It looks more like some dark game where you can’t escape. The result is: financing the profit business of the pharmaceutical and health industry without a real solution. Worse: other natural means to look at the issues is not covered by the health insurance. When health becomes a science according general statistics that is used in the educational system that rejects other ways of approach (even when they existed already for more than 5000 years), the ill person becomes an object within a self-sustaining system. A system that refuses to be open to see the human as a complex and unique individual and integral being and that is more than only the biochemicals of the body.
The problem is amplified when that ill human puts all his trust into the hands of someone who studied in a certain medical area. (attitude: ‘that doctor is a specialist, so he will know’)
It’s not about good or bad but about seeing the whole package even when there are still unknown relations.
I clearly remember that my sons told me that a certain branch of medical treatment was declared as “Harry Potter science” during their studies, although it existed already for a long time. That’s a full stop indoctrination and refusing to look with an open but critical eye at other methods even when they are unfamiliar.
In my case, I was full of backpain, my intestines were blocking and refused to accept food, … I could feel that something was going downhill and that I urgently needed to do something. But my last 3 visits to the MD (even 2 different ones) only got me deeper in trouble, so, that was no longer an option for me. Like most people I used to have a full confidence in the medical science: it was the job of the doctor to heal me. Thinking like an engineer: you have this x problem, so, you need that y solution.
My hard problems at that moment forced me to rethink my attitude and to follow my own intuition. In less than 3 days, my health became much better (pain and intestines). After multiple experiences I got to the point that I learned more about being human: I am responsible for my own health; every human is different; the human being consists of different layers that can have an effect on the visible result of the illness; an illness is never a singular fact, it’s complex interwoven between several physical aspects and also the non-physical;… and ultimately: life is a journey. Depending on how we live as a being (as a whole being in body, mind, and Soul, or only as a physical something with a strongly conditioned mind), we will experience our human life. We can live it small with a limited view, or we can look with an open view at the totality of being.
Ultimately: we are the drivers and are able to succeed, or we can stay “the victim”.
So far, due to my approach and conscious soulful way of living and seeing and looking into the ‘whole’, it solved quite some issues and prevented several others. In all cases, I followed my intuition and where that was not clear, I followed the advice of the doctors. My sons didn’t agree, but I’m responsible for my choice and for me it works. It even makes me not to “suffer”, because I made my choice in the most honest and open way.
It got me rid from multiple health challenges: scoliosis disappeared, three 30 years old painful hernia’s are gone, my heart problem: gone, my liver and my intestines are under control, my prostate tumor: gone, the severely enlarged prostate: solved… everything without any surgery but I had to stand my ground against the specialists because I felt that it was not correct what they proposed (surgery). I own my health at 72. I have been in the hospital and even the emergency department several times (prostate) which created unnecessary damage in my body due to the catheters, but which got healed after 6 months without further medical intervention (I refused after the damage they did).
The summary is simple: we are the only ones responsible for our health; we must monitor our own health (not only with the mind but also with our clear gut feeling that we need to follow); consult doctors for their advice because it is valuable, but you need to make your own decision based on your own internal guidance; be open for other healing methods. Don’t be a fool who believes everything especially when it’s related to a financial business system or doesn’t see the totality of the person and his being.
Life is way more than only a biochemical factory with a logical brain. But in all cases: it’s extremely beautiful once we know how to surf on its waters with all their wild challenges.
This feels like a particularly vulnerable piece but it explains why I take a less-is-more and lifestyle-centric approach to a variety of lifestyle-rooted maladies.
I’ve had a number of patients stop drinking, lose weight, change their approach to exercise and have measurable gains in their health as a result. No amount of pharmaceutical intervention can change a toxic environment. Which brings me to why I left the States…
You're welcome, I especially appreciated your ability to be vulnerable, it's got me thinking about my own pharmacological use and whether I should talk to my doctor about an off ramp. I feel a bit lost right now because the GP I saw for 20+ years recently retired (he couldn't take it any longer) and I haven't really established a relationship with a new one yet.
Dr. Mark Horowitz is an MBBS, PhD who wrote a book on deprescribing based on his experience tapering off of psych meds after his medical academic training. His clinic in in the UK but he’s started to train clinicians in North America
Very enlightening post. Glad you have recovered from years of trauma and poorly applied treatment. It does feel like the drug cure is too quickly prescribed. More time to fully understand the patient would be beneficial. Reminds of Patch Adam’s approach to care.
I cannot commend you enough for your refreshing honesty and bravery in sharing this deeply personal story. I didn't think it was possible to admire you more than I already do, but here we are. Thank you, Dr. Hull. You rock!
Jesus ... Amber... that's an amazing story of emotional an dphysical survival. Damn that x-ray...WTAF.
Well done regaining your health and life back!! You are a determined and courageous healer. Thank you for calling out the medical establishment and sharing your recovery <3
It wasn’t a single hospital or clinic. The self-righteousness and intellectual bullying in US medical training is a systemic problem. Perhaps I was working in the wrong country.
I am grateful for my residency for armoring me in opposition to sapient evil. One may speculate about the source of sapient evil - sociopathy or the Devil, and I have contemplated both. But my residency director was the first human who participated in deliberate evil, which he relished. He had his cabal of followers.
He was trained in the ministry of a Protestant church.
And I was not the worst of his victims. I had heard that he considered his degradation of young doctors whom he disliked, unfinished unless they suicided. I believe that. I am grateful for having met this man, whose brothers were the men of Epstein Island. He used to go through the medical school pictures to choose women for his Internal Medicine third-year rotation, and work them.
Grooming seems too gentle. Submit or fail. If you were compliant, he would take you on a trip somewhere and expect you to put out. No put out, no enthusiastic letter. He luxuriated in human wreckage. The system is vile because it had no vigorous immune response. The Chief of Education, all up the line, endorsed his evil by passive tolerance. I learned much about the Nazi's from my medicine residency, and I mourn the unknown dead.
I was in an extraordinary place of evil, unknown to most residents who only seen the slightest aspects of human failings - narcissistic and rude instructors, exhaustion, disdain. I learned about purified evil, chosen evil, and most do not recognize that in their educational travails.
I always am reticent about speaking about this sort of experience, as people might think me cuckoo. I was one of the survivors, mostly because I was male. That gave me no respect, but shielded me from deliberate lethal intent.
I learned things that help me understand the Epstein cabal later. Sapient evil exists, and it "prowls the world seeking the ruin of men (sic)." from an old Catholic prayer. We have become much more vulnerable by cultural pooh-poohing of the existence of evil.
I’m so glad you made to the “other” side of so much trauma. What an amazing story of strength and resilience but holy smokes what it took to come out on the other side, no one should be put through that. There should be a viewer warning before seeing that X-ray. That’s one ugly film that makes me cringe with sympathy pain, yikes!
We’re grateful to have you here in Canada and hope you find peace, healing, friendships and abundant good health.
Thank you for sharing your compelling story. The grind of medical school and residency certainly can humble (and at times humiliate) those of us who have experienced it. Coupled with well-meaning but sometimes misguided clinicians who treated you compounded the ordeal.
It’s a tribute to your strength and dedication that you’ve become the caring physician you are today.
yup- i feel you on all of this- i prescribed ssri's for myself during residency (it was legal way back then to prescribe for yourself in Massachusetts) and limped through the last year. Becoming an attending was so much better and trying to be the kind doctor to residents and medical students instead of that pimping a**hole felt therapeutic. Part of the joy of being an attending was prob from the sheer relief of no longer being a resident subject to the whims of who(m?)ever was in charge that day, all claiming to be following standard of care and yet all wanting difft things. During the worst part of residency i actually felt like the patients were getting in the way of doing my job- like, wtf? they are the job, they are the reason- looking back I can't believe I got to that point. I wasn't actively suicidal, but i did have fantasies of a mild car accident and needing to be hospitalized as a break. Though when that did happen to a coresident (similar)- they had to be back to work while in a cast. We all start with the best of intentions (at least most of us, I hope) and somewhere along the way get broken. I trained in the early 2000s so i'm hoping it's better now, but reading more recent doctors' experiences, I'm not so sure. Okay- and one more comment to this already long one- then there's the risk of getting sued. I left medicine because that risk was not worth it. I just spoke with another friend who left medicine in the US after being named in a suit because of the trauma of that- she was eventually dropped but she too decided it wasn't worth it. Now she's looking into returning to seeing patients in Canada- where there seems to be way less of a threat. and let me maybe add here too- that I did get sued from my penultimate shift, and it was horrible. It took 7 years, and was dismissed two weeks before I was set to be put on trial. I don't think I've ever said that publicly. Though I write under a difft last name- because additionally, one of the cardiothoracic surgeons at my hospital was shot and killed by the son of one of his patients. I worked with him in the ED, he took care of my mother in law as well, and he was a gentle kind person, not the stereotype of the uncaring surgeon.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience. So much solidarity for everything you mention. From being nice to trainees to fear of violence and lawsuits.
I think people assume that my move to Canada was politically motivated. It was insofar as I lost all faith that any political figure in the US had the capacity to muster the courage to propose meaningful change to the healthcare system. And I had a growing fear of being assaulted or sued because of the growing hostility against doctors in general. Not to mention that I couldn’t afford health insurance so getting sick or injured again probably would have bankrupted me.
The WSJ ran a podcast episode this week about the 2025 exodus of Americans from the US. The two leading reasons the report gave as reasons for leaving were healthcare and gun violence.
And re the move: we're glad you did. And we hope more front line care folks who are jammed up, spinning on the hamster wheel of burnout/ pill-pushing as the fix/ and the damage to smart, capable and caring health pros it can all cause will consider joining us up here in the True North.
Your comments about the trauma of being sued rang true. As a 🇨🇦, I can confirm that we are a much less litigious culture than the US-much tougher hurdles concerning legitimate damages, versus nuisance suits intended for punishment or profiteering at the physician's expense. An example: 23 years af
ago, I had a recurrence of cancer, and a total pelvic exenteration surgery. When I woke up, my forearm and thumb and index fingers were numb from being extended in kne position for too long, resulting in some nerve damage.
My sister the OR nurse working in the US insisted (while I was still lying in a hosputal bed)that I should sue. I told her "You know, there were about 100 things in this that had to go right. I'm just going to concentrate on the 99 that did." And that is quintessentially Canadian.
That’s a very inspiring perspective and I’m sure that it has been a huge source of support for getting through recurrent cancer and treatments(!) I also wonder if the source of lawsuits in the US isn’t also related to the precariousness of patients and their family’s financial risks or lack of good health insurance. (The number one cause of bankruptcy in the US is from medical bills.) Such a rich country and no taking care of its own people. There was a program at UMichigan a while back about the hospital covering complications so that no one was put in a situation to have to sue to recover expenses, and that also freed up the physicians to reach out to patients instead of their malpractice insurance forbidding them (actually covering the hospital’s interest) when something went wrong. One of the most painful parts of being sued is that I couldn’t reach out to my patient’s family to say how sorry I was for their parent’s death. In this case I hadn’t made a mistake- I made mistakes with other patients that thankfully did not result in death or serious injury/complications - and wasn’t allowed to reach out to anyone else who cared for our shared patient (nurses, residents). It was a very isolating and basically traumatic experience made worse by the way malpractice runs. Well, this is a long reply, I suppose it’s still sits with me years later.
I think you are bang on in making the connection between the for profit US health care system, and the predilection of patients with less than perfect outcomes to sue.
When medical bankruptcy is actually a measured category, it makes perfect sense that patients and their families would seek a court's help, when going up against corporate medicine and thrir insurance companies.
And the practitioners get ground up in the middle.
In our 🇨🇦 system, complaints are first directed to each province or territories College of Physicians and Surgeons.
They are the professional governance and licensing boards, that can samction, fine, and ultimately strip a doctor of their license.
And Canadians still have the option of suing. But our court's accept lawsuits primarily based on proven financial losses suffered-punitive damages aren't a category.
OMG! Lots of expletives went through my mind reading this, I even made up a few new ones. Glad you got out of USA!
I appreciate the solidarity, Scott. And am also glad I got out.
I don’t know if it’s exclusive to US training but there a certain type of professional bullying and intellectual hostility that seems baked into training from Day 1 of the clinical years. Just this morning, a senior American doctor excused his patronizing tone by saying “having a sense of humor is how we get through the day with these patients.”
All I could think was “If you need self-righteous condescension and gallows humor to get through the day, maybe it’s time to retire.”
From my perspective, the reason these hacks and influencers are trying to burn down institutional medicine is largely because we’ve been unwilling to confront our own uncertainty, injustices and past mistakes. The opioid crisis, the hormone scare and COVID are large scale examples of these mistakes. Being a patronizing, defensive ass when being called out on it is part of the problem.
Not directly related but... I once went with my wife to an ENT appt. The Dr was impatient and obnoxious, and did NOT like us asking questions (???). As he was walking out I said "Just one more question." He paused but didn't look back. I said "Do you practice being obnoxious or does it just come natural ?" He flinched and kept going. I could hear his staff snickering. Made my day.
Wow, you've been through so much. So glad you made it through to become your healthier, happier self and to stand up as one of the "good ones" out there. I'm proud to know you. 💗
It was clearly a tough ride to get beyond the challenges of health and a medical system that got institutionalized through books and rather dead characters in ex cathedra teachings without real openness. Respect for how you succeeded to not drown in the ocean of serious issues.
I had similar experiences, but I learned my 'lessons' earlier. I am a currently retired engineer but my sons are both MD. I'm absolutely not against doctors because they are highly trained, but my experience is that they often follow a script that has been planted in their mind and then refuse to look further.
I my case, (when I was about 50 yo) I fell from one problem into the next one due to the narrow scope of looking at an illness. You have severe backpain, take this pill, your intestines got in trouble, take that, your heart starts doing strange, take something extra, ... , you get many scans of your organs, blood investigations, etc.
It looks more like some dark game where you can’t escape. The result is: financing the profit business of the pharmaceutical and health industry without a real solution. Worse: other natural means to look at the issues is not covered by the health insurance. When health becomes a science according general statistics that is used in the educational system that rejects other ways of approach (even when they existed already for more than 5000 years), the ill person becomes an object within a self-sustaining system. A system that refuses to be open to see the human as a complex and unique individual and integral being and that is more than only the biochemicals of the body.
The problem is amplified when that ill human puts all his trust into the hands of someone who studied in a certain medical area. (attitude: ‘that doctor is a specialist, so he will know’)
It’s not about good or bad but about seeing the whole package even when there are still unknown relations.
I clearly remember that my sons told me that a certain branch of medical treatment was declared as “Harry Potter science” during their studies, although it existed already for a long time. That’s a full stop indoctrination and refusing to look with an open but critical eye at other methods even when they are unfamiliar.
In my case, I was full of backpain, my intestines were blocking and refused to accept food, … I could feel that something was going downhill and that I urgently needed to do something. But my last 3 visits to the MD (even 2 different ones) only got me deeper in trouble, so, that was no longer an option for me. Like most people I used to have a full confidence in the medical science: it was the job of the doctor to heal me. Thinking like an engineer: you have this x problem, so, you need that y solution.
My hard problems at that moment forced me to rethink my attitude and to follow my own intuition. In less than 3 days, my health became much better (pain and intestines). After multiple experiences I got to the point that I learned more about being human: I am responsible for my own health; every human is different; the human being consists of different layers that can have an effect on the visible result of the illness; an illness is never a singular fact, it’s complex interwoven between several physical aspects and also the non-physical;… and ultimately: life is a journey. Depending on how we live as a being (as a whole being in body, mind, and Soul, or only as a physical something with a strongly conditioned mind), we will experience our human life. We can live it small with a limited view, or we can look with an open view at the totality of being.
Ultimately: we are the drivers and are able to succeed, or we can stay “the victim”.
So far, due to my approach and conscious soulful way of living and seeing and looking into the ‘whole’, it solved quite some issues and prevented several others. In all cases, I followed my intuition and where that was not clear, I followed the advice of the doctors. My sons didn’t agree, but I’m responsible for my choice and for me it works. It even makes me not to “suffer”, because I made my choice in the most honest and open way.
It got me rid from multiple health challenges: scoliosis disappeared, three 30 years old painful hernia’s are gone, my heart problem: gone, my liver and my intestines are under control, my prostate tumor: gone, the severely enlarged prostate: solved… everything without any surgery but I had to stand my ground against the specialists because I felt that it was not correct what they proposed (surgery). I own my health at 72. I have been in the hospital and even the emergency department several times (prostate) which created unnecessary damage in my body due to the catheters, but which got healed after 6 months without further medical intervention (I refused after the damage they did).
The summary is simple: we are the only ones responsible for our health; we must monitor our own health (not only with the mind but also with our clear gut feeling that we need to follow); consult doctors for their advice because it is valuable, but you need to make your own decision based on your own internal guidance; be open for other healing methods. Don’t be a fool who believes everything especially when it’s related to a financial business system or doesn’t see the totality of the person and his being.
Life is way more than only a biochemical factory with a logical brain. But in all cases: it’s extremely beautiful once we know how to surf on its waters with all their wild challenges.
✨🌼
Love your honesty
Welcome back to the land of the living Dr. Amber! Remember, you are solar powered; you can do it!
You're such a class act, Dr. Hull! Thank you for amplifying Dr. McBride, I just followed and will probably subscribe after checking her work out.
Thank you 🙏🏼
This feels like a particularly vulnerable piece but it explains why I take a less-is-more and lifestyle-centric approach to a variety of lifestyle-rooted maladies.
I’ve had a number of patients stop drinking, lose weight, change their approach to exercise and have measurable gains in their health as a result. No amount of pharmaceutical intervention can change a toxic environment. Which brings me to why I left the States…
You're welcome, I especially appreciated your ability to be vulnerable, it's got me thinking about my own pharmacological use and whether I should talk to my doctor about an off ramp. I feel a bit lost right now because the GP I saw for 20+ years recently retired (he couldn't take it any longer) and I haven't really established a relationship with a new one yet.
Dr. Mark Horowitz is an MBBS, PhD who wrote a book on deprescribing based on his experience tapering off of psych meds after his medical academic training. His clinic in in the UK but he’s started to train clinicians in North America
https://markhorowitz.org/
Very enlightening post. Glad you have recovered from years of trauma and poorly applied treatment. It does feel like the drug cure is too quickly prescribed. More time to fully understand the patient would be beneficial. Reminds of Patch Adam’s approach to care.
I cannot commend you enough for your refreshing honesty and bravery in sharing this deeply personal story. I didn't think it was possible to admire you more than I already do, but here we are. Thank you, Dr. Hull. You rock!
Jesus ... Amber... that's an amazing story of emotional an dphysical survival. Damn that x-ray...WTAF.
Well done regaining your health and life back!! You are a determined and courageous healer. Thank you for calling out the medical establishment and sharing your recovery <3
Ever think you were working in the wrong hospital?
It wasn’t a single hospital or clinic. The self-righteousness and intellectual bullying in US medical training is a systemic problem. Perhaps I was working in the wrong country.
I am grateful for my residency for armoring me in opposition to sapient evil. One may speculate about the source of sapient evil - sociopathy or the Devil, and I have contemplated both. But my residency director was the first human who participated in deliberate evil, which he relished. He had his cabal of followers.
He was trained in the ministry of a Protestant church.
And I was not the worst of his victims. I had heard that he considered his degradation of young doctors whom he disliked, unfinished unless they suicided. I believe that. I am grateful for having met this man, whose brothers were the men of Epstein Island. He used to go through the medical school pictures to choose women for his Internal Medicine third-year rotation, and work them.
Grooming seems too gentle. Submit or fail. If you were compliant, he would take you on a trip somewhere and expect you to put out. No put out, no enthusiastic letter. He luxuriated in human wreckage. The system is vile because it had no vigorous immune response. The Chief of Education, all up the line, endorsed his evil by passive tolerance. I learned much about the Nazi's from my medicine residency, and I mourn the unknown dead.
I was in an extraordinary place of evil, unknown to most residents who only seen the slightest aspects of human failings - narcissistic and rude instructors, exhaustion, disdain. I learned about purified evil, chosen evil, and most do not recognize that in their educational travails.
I always am reticent about speaking about this sort of experience, as people might think me cuckoo. I was one of the survivors, mostly because I was male. That gave me no respect, but shielded me from deliberate lethal intent.
I learned things that help me understand the Epstein cabal later. Sapient evil exists, and it "prowls the world seeking the ruin of men (sic)." from an old Catholic prayer. We have become much more vulnerable by cultural pooh-poohing of the existence of evil.