Terms of Endearment
An Living Glossary of Human Sexuality Terminology
This glossary is intended to define how I will use terms in my writing and how I understand their use. Citations will be provided for definitions derived from academic or peer-reviewed sources.
There is a LOT of parsing of terminology within the kink, queer and non-monogamous communities. This glossary is not meant to spark debate over linguistics. Comments are disabled. This is a living document and I will add to it as terms come up that require definition. If you have a question or term you would like me to define, please drop me a Direct Message.
Some valuable clinical and academic resources are available at the following websites:
The International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health
American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists
Sexual Orientation
There is a growing recognition that sexual attraction is on a spectrum and may change over the lifetime and according to situation. Socialization plays a strong role in how individuals understand and come to terms with their own sexuality and the sexuality of others. Rather than a binary, human sexuality can be conceptualized as a constellation of interests; some static and some fluctuating. The Kinsey Institute of Indiana University does outstanding research in this field.
Heterosexual: attraction to people of the opposite sex
Homosexual: attraction to people of the same sex
Bisexual: attraction to people of the same sex and the opposite sex.
Heteroflexible: mostly attracted to people of the opposite sex but willing to engage in same-sex play depending on situation and context.
Pansexual: attraction to people of all sexes and gender identifications
Asexual: lack of sexual attraction/interest in sex
Heteroromantic: some bisexual people are sexually attracted to people of both/all sexes but generally develop opposite-sex romantic relationships
Demi-sexual: people who require a deep or intense emotion connection in order to feel sexual attraction
Gray-sexual: low interest in sexual experiences. Occasional encounters may be of low intensity
Sapiosexual: attraction to intelligence
Relationship Preferences
Solo-polyamory: the preference to remain socially, legally and/or economically single without the desire for co-habitation or primary partnership. This is distinct from being “single” in that there is no assumption that a monogamous partnership is a goal. There is an outstanding blog post on the concept of solo-polyamory here.
Monogamy/Serial Monogamy: sexual and emotional exclusivity to one partner at a time.
Monogamish: Emotional exclusivity with allowances for outside sexual contact
Swinging: couples who engage sexually with other couples or singles. Encounters are generally recreational with a deliberate avoidance of emotional attachment
Open Relationship: One or both partners in a relationship are free to engage sexually and emotionally with other people
Polyamorous: the preference for having more than one sexual or emotionally fulfilling romantic relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of all involved
Hall Pass: An allowance for a person in an otherwise monogamous relationship to have outside sexual experiences under a defined set of circumstances. Such as during extended work deployments or while on business trips.
Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell (DADT): An allowance for outside sexual or emotional experiences with the caveat that the primary partner doesn’t want any knowledge of the outside relationship. This can be very difficult to distinguish from infidelity.
Tolyamory: a term coined by Dan Savage to describe a relationship in which one or both partners tolerate the other partner’s infidelity for the sake of preserving an otherwise functional relationship
Kink Terminology
Safe, Sane and Consensual Kink: a framework for understanding BDSM/kink scenes/scenarios.
Safe(er): All sex involves some level of physical and psychological risk. Which is why some prefer the term Safer rather than Safe. Being safer involves being knowledgable about what you’re doing.
Sane: Acting rationally and not being out of control. This includes making decisions in good faith and with sobriety. Understanding the line between fantasy and reality.
Consensual: participation is informed, voluntary and sober. All parties involved are participating with knowledge of what will transpire and are doing so of their own volition.
Risk Aware Consensual Kink: Similar to SSC, RACK is a framework to understand that kink play involves risk. That those participating are aware of what will happen and are informed of risk (both anticipated and unanticipated). Everyone involved is sober and of legal age to consent. Kink is a spectrum but involves any type of play that is generally considered to be outside of the mainstream.
Consent: the process of requesting and giving access to one’s body and mind. In the context of human sexuality, this is an ongoing process rather than a static or finite agreement. Concent depends upon individual autonomy and the exercising of personal agency. Consent can be withdrawn from anyone at any time for any reason.
Consent Violation: going beyond the terms of the agreement without permission. Deliberately going against the negotiated terms laid out by a play partner. Coercion, deception or emotional manipulation can also be considered consent violations.
BDSM: Bondage, Discipline; D/S: Dominance/Submission; S/M: Sadism/Masochism
Sub-Space: The bliss-filled or trance-like state of being achieved by a submissive during D/s play. It is a flow state and can feel like a deep meditative or out-of-body experience.
Dom-Space: The flow state achieved by a Dominant during D/s play.
Aftercare: A negotiated set of actions that takes place after a D/s scene in order to make all participants feel safe and cared for. This may include cleansing, hydration, nutrition, ice or salves, cuddling, talking or whatever routine each partner needs to avoid Drop.
Drop: The emotionally vulnerable state that can take hold after D/s play. It may involve fear, anxiety, sadness, emptiness or a variety of other difficult emotions.
Boundaries: Emotional and play preferences that define what is and is not okay in the relationship. Boundaries can be emotional or physical and will evolve over time. When a boundary changes or new circumstances arise, expectations should be addressed in conversation. USE YOUR WORDS!
Hard Limit: A boundary that is firm and not subject to renegotiation based on circumstance.
Soft Limit: A boundary that may be flexible depending on timing and circumstances.
Roles in D/s Play:
Top: the person who is giving during an encounter or “scene”
Bottom: the person who is receiving
Submissive: the person who consensually gives up some or all control in a power dynamic
Dominant: the person who assumes control in a power dynamic
Switch: a person who can perform both “top” and “bottom” roles, depending on partner, preference and negotiation
Kink Modalities
Impact Play: the consensual striking of a play partner with a hand or other implement. Tools include: paddles, floggers, canes, whips, cat-of-nine-tails, chains, etc
Electro-Play: sensory stimulation involving the use of electricity. Electro-stimulation devices create a high-frequency electrical current that can be applied to the skin using a variety of attachments. It provides a tingling and sometimes prickly sensation depending on the frequency used.
DO NOT use electro-stimulation on partners with implantable devices such as pacemakers and defibrillators.
Neon Wand: typically composed of an electrical power supply with a neon-gas filled glass attachment. It provides a milder sensation than the more powerful Violet Wand.
Violet Wand: Provides a higher-intensity sensation than the Neon wand. Glass electrodes may be filled with argon and other inert gasses. Some adaptors allow the Top to turn their own bodies into the electrical conductor so that sparks come out of the fingertips/skin of the Top.