Opting Out of Monogamy
An Intergenerational Conversation on the Value of Chosen Family
Monogamy is a choice. It’s the decision by people in monogamous relationships not to act on their natural attraction to people outside of their monogamous partnership. Monogamy works for plenty of people and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing that framework as a structure for sexual and romantic relationships. But there’s a growing interest across generations in non-traditional and non-monogamous relationship styles. According to a recent article by AARP: “Twenty-five percent of men and women age 40 and older engaged in consensual non-monogamy or polyamory, and 29 percent report that having sex with more than one person at the same time is their most common sexual fantasy. These findings were published in AARP’s “Ageless Desire: Relationships and Sex in Middle Age and Beyond” report (September, 2023).
Forbes published an article this week by Mark Travers, PhD on the surging interest in non-monogamy among those looking for love. According to Dr. Travers’ insightful article, “A 2015 study published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy found that adults aged 55 and above were happier in non-exclusive, unconventional relationships compared to those in monogamous relationships. Non-monogamous older adults also reported more sexual frequency and better health than their traditional counterparts.”
Throughout my experience with non-monogamy, I’ve spoken mostly with other Gen-X folks and millennials about how non-monogamy allows for greater autonomy and demands more conscientious communication skills than traditional monogamous relationships. My conversations with Baby Boomers and Gen Z have been much more limited as a result of the demographics of my personal social circles. So I decided to change that.
When I began talking with a bright, Gen-Z New Yorker named Freya about our respective experiences with non-monogamy, I was delighted by their introspective take on the topic. While I encouraged them to take credit for their remarkable writing ability, I understand that being polyamorous in public still has the potential to do damage, both personally and professionally. With the exceptions of Berkley and Oakland, California and Somerville and Cambridge, Massachusetts, there are no legal protections in place for people who decline the social expectation of monogamy. Meaning discrimination in employment, parental rights and housing is still perfectly legal in most of the United States. For this reason, non-monogamous people of all preferences must walk a delicate line between living their truth and hiding for the sake of self-preservation. My hope is that facilitating respectful conversations will foster greater understanding regardless of how each of us chooses the terms of our relationship agreements.
**The photos featured in this post were shot during the week of June 26, 2024 while touring an out-of-town visitor around my Fabulous City. No filters or AI were involved in the generation of these visuals.
Freya (they/them), mid 20’s, non-binary, Gen Z.
Dr. Amber (she/her), mid-40’s, cis-femme, Gen X.
Dr. Amber: Why do you think the concept of the nuclear family (a heterosexual couple and their biological children) as a family unit is being called into question?
Freya: A friend once told me, “We are the first generation to attempt to unlearn the generational trauma that has been placed on us.” That has stuck with me over the years and I think it’s especially relevant as it relates to the idea of chosen family. There is a lot of trauma associated with the nuclear family unit. Trauma around divorce and around things like homophobia or unrealistic expectations. Especially in the queer community, there is a history of not being accepted by family and not fitting in to the societal expectation of what a family “should” look like. I think Gen-Z is the first generation to say: No, this doesn’t work for us and we don’t have to put up with it. We can build the future we want to see. And that often results in moving towards alternative family structures. There is an expansiveness about getting to choose who you surround yourself with, getting to create that type of community. That’s really beautiful.
There’s also a lovingly practical aspect to alternative family structures. If something happens to you, there is a network of people you can reach out to for help. If you choose to raise children, there are people that can help out. I grew up in a “nuclear family,” but I’m grateful that my parents did work to call that into question. Their best friends were considered family. I love that more and more people are choosing to build their lives with chosen family.
Dr. Amber: Do you think non-monogamy is a sexy fad or a wholesale rethinking of what it means to form community?
Freya: Definitely a wholesale rethinking. Obviously, it’s a hot topic right now and there are articles covering some aspect of non-monogamy in almost every major publication. There are aspects of non-monogamy that seem “sexy” or salacious to curious bystanders. But I think it’s really that people are sick of the rigid expectations of compulsory monogamy. People are recognizing that there are so many forms of non-monogamy that they can tailor relationships to their specific needs and desires; with or without a primary partner.
Non-monogamy requires an extraordinary amount of communication, vulnerability and intention. Which is a really refreshing approach to dating in general. I know so many people who identify as monogamous, but are interested in the idea of non-monogamy in terms of how they can incorporate those tenets of dating into their own lives. Sometimes that means they try out non-monogamy and love it. Other times, it means approaching dating and community with a new mentality. I want to be clear that non-monogamy isn’t better than monogamy. It’s not for everyone. But it’s important to recognize that monogamy is a relationship structure you actively choose with your partner rather than what society has made the default.
Personally, I have also found so much community in non-monogamy. A lot of my friends moved away from New York City during the Pandemic and it’s hard to make new friends as an adult! As a result, I also stopped going out as much or seeking out new community spaces. Non-monogamy really has allowed me to find those spaces and explore my queerness from a new point of view. I’ve made some incredible platonic friendships that started with a date. Those friendships feel really special to me because of how trusting and open they are. I can be friends with my friends’ partner and there’s no jealousy involved. We all trust each other to communicate and respect each other’s boundaries.
Dr. Amber: What role do you think the COVID pandemic played in the desire for more inclusive forms of social connection?
Freya: I think since everyone was forced online, a lot of people took chances on connections that they otherwise would have ignored. I know a lot of people took chances on long-distance relationships or newer friendships in a way they never would have previously considered.
The pandemic also gave people time to think about how they want to form relationships and approach connection in general. Recently, I’ve gone on a few dates with someone who identifies as a Relationship Anarchist. Relationship Anarchy (RA) is a philosophy that involves deconstructing traditional social practices and forming relationships around anti-hierarchical community. In RA, everyone’s individual wants and needs are taken into account. Rather than one partner being your everything, RA seeks to give each relationship the weight it deserves. Obviously, that is a lengthy process that isn’t for everyone, but I definitely have been moving towards RA in my approach all my relationships; not just romantic or sexual. In terms of the person I’ve been seeing, they expressed wanting to blur the lines between the societal definitions of “friend” and “partner” and instead build their community around shared values and interests. This resulted in my meeting their two partners and all of us going to an event together. It was definitely a bit confusing at first (and not something I would have tried pre-pandemic), but ultimately I had a really magical time.
Freya: How do you think sex education has changed over the past decade and do you think that has contributed to a larger acceptance of “alternative” lifestyles in the medical field?
Dr. Amber: Sex education, even within medicine, is still incredibly limited. The comprehensive anatomy of the clitoris wasn’t included in the most popular OB/GYN surgery textbook, Te Linde’s Operative Gynecology, until 2019. I’ve spoken with current medical students and residents about what they’re learning about sex during training. The answer is essentially nothing beyond sexually-transmitted infections, pregnancy/contraception and, to a very limited extent, domestic violence.
Human sexuality and the importance of relationships in overall health is completely absent in United States sex education from elementary school through post-doctoral medical education. This is in contrast to places like the Netherlands where loving relationships are at the center of sex education beginning in kindergarten. Yet romantic and sexual relationships take center stage in social expectations for a successful adulthood. Including damaging tropes like possessiveness, jealousy and sexual-stagnation as qualities to be expected within supposedly loving relationships. How can we expect to foster meaningful connections and strong communities when the shared language around what a relationship looks like is based on soap-opera-esque drama rather than qualified sexual health education?
Urologists and “men’s health” practitioners have been invested in maintaining male virility for decades as a result of the popularity of Viagra. But American medicine has a long history of dismissing and minimizing the concerns of women. There’s a growing recognition, especially among OB/GYNs, that things like women’s sexual pleasure, menopause and fertility are integral aspects of physical and mental health. I belong to several physician-only online communities where sex and relationships, including non-monogamy and kink, are freely discussed.
Queer people, sex workers and non-monogamous folks are still incredibly marginalized by our healthcare system. In large part, due to lack of professional training of clinicians. There are certainly doctors out there who practice with a non-judgmental and sex-positive ethos but the onus is on the patient to seek them out. The main reason I’ve been such a vocal advocate of queer and polyamory-friendly sexual health education online is because there’s a lack of sensitive and scientifically sound information available; both for medical professionals and for the public.
The International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health is a fantastic organization composed of clinicians and academics who specialize in this field.
The Kink and Polyamory Aware Professionals Network has searchable database on their website that includes both physicians and therapists.
OutCare Health also has a searchable database of queer-friendly healthcare professionals and offers fantastic clinical education resources online.
Freya: What has the response from colleagues and patients been as you have started to speak more openly about non-monogamy and kink? Has there been pushback? Or a mostly positive response?
Dr. Amber: Figuring out how to execute this message has been a delicate process. Weaponization of sexuality is a bloodsport in our culture so I’m putting myself at significant risk by saying these things. The fact that I’m single, child-free and live in Las Vegas gives me a bit more leverage to speak than a married mother in Topeka might have. As I’ve gotten more comfortable talking about polyamory and kink, I’ve opened the door for other professional people, especially women, to ask questions about their own sexuality. A lot of people my age are going through divorce or opening up relationships now that their kids are older. I think it’s natural to be curious about playing well with others and to relate in a way that’s both mindful and fun.
Last summer, I hosted an in-person educational retreat in Las Vegas that was incredibly well received. Professional people, including several physicians, flew in from across the country to attend. My most read Substack article (by far!) was “Things I Learned About Power in FemmeDom 101.” Talking about human sexuality in a way that recognizes changing social constructs seems to be resonating. Which is gratifying to me as an educator and as a creative. Being vulnerable takes a lot of courage but is an essential element in this process. My message is appreciated because it’s based on lived experience rather than theory.
Freya: How has non-monogamy changed your point of view on aging and dating in your 40s?
Dr. Amber: If I had known that non-monogamy was an option in my 20’s, I would have saved myself a lot of grief from trying to fit into a rigid set of societal expectations that didn’t align with my values. I’ve never been excited about planning a wedding or the prospect of a decades-long, sexually-exclusive, monogamous relationship. I want to be clear that monogamy or serial monogamy are absolutely valid ways to conduct a relationship if that’s what the people involved truly want. But I’m glad that it’s increasingly recognized as an option rather than a compulsory or default expectation.
I’m coming up on my 45th birthday and I’m having the sexiest and most nourishing relationship experiences of my life. Because I’m not pretending to want something that society dictates as an ideal. Rather than making one person the center of my social, emotional and sexual universe, I have a relationship ecosystem that allows me to explore different dynamics with different people. Before entering any type of relationship, I make it clear that monogamy is a non-starter. Partially to avoid wasting my time and partially out of respect for the decisions of those who choose monogamy as a relationship structure. I truly value the role that my metamours (my lovers’ other partners) play in their lives. I’ve met the primary partners of everyone I’m involved with and value those relationships for them as well.
While I agree with your explanation of RA as a philosophy, I prefer the term “Conscious Relationship Design” to “Relationship Anarchy”. I think the language gives credence to the needs and boundaries of everyone involved. I associate anarchy with chaos and my relationships are far from chaotic. Ultimately, the terms of any relationship are up to the people in that relationship. It can be an ongoing, evolving, organic thing rather than a rigid set of milestones or behavioral expectations. As we say in recovery spaces, expectations are blueprints for resentment. I try to avoid both.
Further Reading:
The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen (2024).
A sensitive and thought-provoking examination of platonic life-partnership, co-parenting and the importance of chosen family in forming stable communities.
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017) and Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic (2006) by Esther Perel.
An incredibly well researched and comprehensive assessment of how societal shifts have challenged the institutional framework of monogamy. Mating in Captivity includes and outstanding chapter on how parenting changes romantic relationships in profound and seldom discussed ways.
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy by Jessica Fern (2020)
Fern takes a deep dive into the attachment styles that influence how we relate to those around us. Relevant to monogamous and non-monogamous people alike.
Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life by Justin Lehmiller, PhD.
This fascinating account is the first of its kind to provide data on the prevalence of sexual fantasies among American adults. Dr. Lehmiller includes revealing trends based on age, gender, political affiliation and economic status.