Interview with the Unicorn

Confessions of a 21st Century Playgirl

Allow me to introduce you to Alaska. She’s what folks in “The Lifestyle” would call a Unicorn: a single bisexual woman who’s open to dating and playing with men, women and couples. She knows things and has seen things. So, naturally, I invited her to speak with me about her experiences.

Warning: NSFW

Alaska swears like a pirate and her stories may be offensive to those with delicate constitutions. I love her because she’s insightful, honest and funny. My questions are in bold. Her answers are plain text. Reader discretion is advised.

How were you introduced to Swinging?

After a long break from the dating scene, I decided to tiptoe back in via Match. In pretty short order I met a low-grade but successful YouTube influencer who made his living flying around the world recording interviews on automotive technology. Which was handy because I’m a sucker for cars.

We had been dating for several weeks when he floated the idea of his Hotwife fantasy.

Meaning?

He enjoys watching his girlfriend fuck other people. Especially other men.

You’d be surprised how common this particular male fantasy is. Despite the negative connotations of the word “cuck” in the manosphere. In reality, male partners of Hotwives tend to be financially successful and dominant in their vanilla lives. They can also be manipulative and controlling.

How did you respond when he first floated this fantasy?

With curiosity.

I’ve been kinky since forever. Try-sexual, so to speak. I’ll try pretty much anything within reason (assuming it’s legal).

Try-sexual! I love that!

Being open to trying new things means I don’t get bored. And there’s a certain vulnerability in having the courage to express a desire. Allowing a partner to be honest about fantasies is an invitation for connection. If I express disgust or hostility, that person is not going to feel safe being vulnerable with me in the future.

That’s not to say that I’m down to try any crazy-ass thing presented to me. But I can be kind in my boundaries without making my partner feel like they’ve done something wrong by asking.

In this particular case, he opened a whole new world of sexual experiences for me. I had no idea that there were entire communities of sex-positive people with vast arrays of interests. He showed me websites, introduced me to apps and explained an entire lexicon used to describe preferences.

Were you really into it or were you just doing it for him?

Great question.

I was really into it. For a while.

What started off as a fun sexual adventure with this guy ended with me feeling like a pawn in the fulfillment of his sexual fantasies. Which is why I broke that relationship off. I didn’t need him to control my communication or relationships with other people. He opened the door but wanted to control what happened on the other side. Which is a common mistake among men.

Tell me more.

It’s often the case that men initiate conversations with their wives/girlfriends about opening a relationship. Usually due to sexual stagnation. What they don’t realize is that their wife will get more offers for dick within a week than they’ve had for pussy in their entire lives. Guys have to work much harder to attract women across the spectrum of ENM. Guys who are especially loaded, attractive or charismatic might have an easier time. But women in “the lifestyle” have an even greater abundance of options than women in Vanilla-land. So guys will always be competing with The A-team for playmates.

You keep using the term “The Lifestyle”. What does that mean?

It’s a euphemism for swinging. Some people in the polyamory and kink communities also use the term but, in my mind, LS or “Lifestyle” means swinging.

What are some other terms in this lexicon?

Lots of terms are dehumanizing and loaded with racial stereotypes. Including the term “Unicorn”.

A “Bull” for example is a single (or possibly married) guy who is brought into a couple’s dynamic in order to fuck the wife. Sometimes while the husband watches and sometimes not. But the idea is that everyone in this 3-play undertaking consents to the arrangement.

Single dudes in the LS are a dime a dozen and they know it. It’s much more common for a guy to be willing to fuck another man’s wife than it is for a woman to be willing to fuck another woman’s husband.

It’s common knowledge in the Lifestyle that single dudes are treated poorly but it’s because a lot of them have been guilty of shitty behavior. Flaking on dates. Poor communication. Disrespecting the wife, the husband or both. Being smelly, drunk, late or generally tone deaf to relational cues.

But the Bulls who know how to take care of and conduct themselves can get more tail than a mouse at a cat sanctuary.

What sets the successful ones apart?

The same kind of qualities that set men apart in Vanilla-land. Conventional attractiveness. A nice wardrobe. Good grooming/hygiene. Charisma. Intelligence and the ability to engage in conversation. A sense of humor. Knowing his way around a woman’s body and sexual stamina.

Skilled bulls are commonly invited back for repeat performances. And are often recommended within communities. Some websites even have recommendation features. Like a Yelp review for potential playmates.

Honestly, I think user recommendations should be more common in vanilla dating. It might cut down on some of the bullshit. But I digress…

How do you clock whether someone is a swinger? Do they really wear upside down pineapples?

Under most circumstances, it’s impossible to tell if someone is in an open or monogamish relationship. There’s a lot of social currency that depends on being perceived as monogamous. On the other hand, some people can’t seem to shut up about their open relationships.

The upside down pineapple thing is true but you rarely see it in the wild.

There are apps and websites, hotel takeovers, resorts, private parties and conferences for people who like to play with other people. The best events are curated and invitation-only. Tantra retreats, Burning Man, festival culture and some religious communities are teeming with lifestyle folk. Swingers don’t send up Bat Signals but they’re abundant if you know where to look.

“ENM” has evidently become so common on dating apps that it’s on the last fucking nerve of monogamous people. Which is fair.

Elaborate.

Some (not all) swingy/poly/kinky people have taken this holier-than-thou stance about their relationship preferences. They can come across as self-righteous and proselytizing. Which isn’t a good way to make a point.

It’s totally fine to want to be in an exclusive relationship. Neither preference is more enlightened than the other.

But in some places, the zone has become flooded with “ENM”. And some people who brandish this label just want to fuck around without any emotional labor or commitment. Which is also fine but can be frustrating for those who want actual meaningful connection.

What are some other land mines in this Lifestyle?

There are a significant number of couples who have chosen to monetize their recreational fuckery. They’ll lure you in and ask you to film the encounter for their OnlyFans enterprise. That’s shit’s annoying.

There are couples who get down for hours with single playmates and then pretend that they don’t exist outside the bedroom.

There are people who are irresponsible about STI prevention but that’s also true in Vanilla land.

Ultimately, I walked away from the swinger community for the same reasons I walked away from my cuckold ex. Because I was being treated like a free sex worker; being used in the sexual fantasies of others with no or very little investment in my emotional or spiritual growth. It became dehumanizing to always feel like I was “on the menu”. I think a lot of single women don’t stick around the community for similar reasons.

Any other words of wisdom for the curiously uninformed?

If you’re a single woman walking into a “Lifestyle” event for free or for a fraction of the cover charge, you’re the product being sold by the organizers. Once you see this, you can’t unsee it.

Swingers LOVE bisexual women but there’s huge prejudice against bisexual men. This prejudice isn’t universal but it’s rampant.

There are predators in every sector of society. Even communities that are built on the premise of consent. People in positions of authority will often leverage their influence to access sexually vulnerable or open minded people. Women are often the victims but can also be perpetrators. (See also: Ghislaine Maxwell)

Get your Gardasil vaccine. Condoms won’t protect you from HPV. Which is incredibly common and very contagious.

Establish a relationship with a doctor who will provide standing orders for STI screening. Talk with them about PREP or DoxyPEP if you’re racking up numbers.

You’re allowed to change your relationship preference. Sexual evolution is normal. Your partner is allowed to accept or deny your request to evolve alongside you.

“No” is a complete sentence.

If you try something new with your partner(s), discuss your intentions before hand, hold your boundaries during the encounter and debrief afterwards.

Some experiences will be amazing and some will totally suck. Same with people. Learn. Grow. Take breaks or switch directions when you need to.

Don’t overdo it on booze or drugs before play. Inebriation leads to consent violations and injuries.

Be honest with yourself. You can’t ask for what you want if you’re not true to yourself.

Where can my readers find your work?

You’re funny. Believe it or not, there’s still some of us in the world who don’t want to be found.

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In Other News

If you’re a regular reader of this Substack, you know my position on AI. If you’re new, consider my work “The Letters of One Still Living”. I don’t use AI in any of my writing, concept development, editing or artwork. This work isn’t content generation. It’s my way of processing, understanding and communicating my human experience.

If you’re unfamiliar with the work of Tristan Harris, I strongly recommend taking a listen to this interview. The AI takeover of our economy and creative lives is not a forgone conclusion. Despite what the robber barons would have you believe. If enough of us recognize The Nothing and refuse to comply with it’s theft of our humanity, we can put the world on a safer, more humane trajectory.