Dear Niece

An Open Letter for Your 13th Birthday

Thirteen is a transition. From child to adolescent. You’re not yet an adult but you’re becoming your own person. Separate from your family. You’re forming your own opinions, values and patterns of behavior. I remember how that felt.

Awkward

Endless

Frustrating

It can feel like being trapped. Don’t want to be here. Not quite there yet.

I remember trying on different versions of myself and twisting into a pretzel to try to win the approval of both family and friends. I remember clocking my sexuality under the unrelenting male gaze. Noticing how I was viewed as both fresh meat and a liability. I remember learning the value of my beauty while being told that impurity was a sin. I remember seeing the sex scandals of the president and how it was the young woman who became the punchline of every joke.

I remember feeling too skinny and too fat at the same time. I wasn’t as waif-y and refined as my white friends in their pointe shoes. I wasn’t as curvy and rhythmic as my black friends in their hip-hop gear.

I remember feeling poor.

I remember feeling uncool.

I remember feeling like I didn’t fit in.

I remember how volatile and subversive it felt to say the word “fuck” out loud.

I remember wanting to be seen and also wanting to vanish.

All of that was before the internet.

I confess that I hold fear for you as you enter the world. Your beauty will draw the attention of those who would do you harm. I feel protective of you. I see predators all around and I want to whisk you away to a safe haven. To raise you in a cottage in the woods with 3 good fairies. Like Princess Aurora. I want to protect you from the Wolves as well as the “Princes”.

I want you to know that the world is so much bigger and more beautiful than what you see in your backyard, your neighborhood, your school or your phone. I want you to know that you can choose your own path. That it’s okay for you to make mistakes. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

Other people are going to let you down. But that doesn’t mean you should stop allowing yourself to love.

I want you to know that it’s okay to be sad. Or angry. Or too much. It’s okay to take up space. To say “No”. To tell someone that they’re standing too close or giving you the creeps. Listen to your instincts when your body says “No”.

Be gentle with yourself and know that no one is paying as close attention to you as you think they are. Except maybe your mom.*

I encourage you to be mindful of saying things that you can’t unsay. If you feel yourself escalating to the point of lashing out at someone you love, try this:

“Anything I say at this point isn’t going to go well. I need to take a break. We can revisit it later when I’ve had a chance to calm down and think.”

Then go for a walk. Or pet your dog. Or both. Sometimes things become more clear after you walk away for a while and come back.

I want you to know that you are beautiful without makeup. Without filters. Without expensive products. And without the validation of strangers on the internet.

I want you to know how very precious your privacy and attention are. You don’t owe anyone access.

I wish for you that you will be surrounded and loved by people who make you a better version of yourself. And I hope that you love yourself every bit as much as I love you.

With All My Love,

Auntie

Artwork credit to Particle Ink in Las Vegas (June, 2024). These are photos and videos that I took in that installation/performance.

*Quotation credit to Mary Braun Bates, MD.

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Please join me on Substack LIVE Friday, August 7 at 12pmEST/9am PST where I’ll be joined by my friend and colleague Dr. Khristina Booth, to talk about AI in healthcare. If you have questions you’d like us to address, feel free to shoot me a DM or drop it in the comments.

Khristina Booth, DO, MHCDL, MSc is a board certified family medicine physician, and facility Chief Health Informatics Officer at the VA. Besides teaching AI tools to front line clinicians, she also serves as a clinical AI expert at the national level. Outside of her day job, she does consulting and testing of clinical AI tools with the hopes of helping companies understand the clinician perspective and develop products that will first and foremost, help reduce burnout and moral injury.