A Practical Guide to Customized Relationship Design

RBDSM as a Framework for Building Connection

May 13, 2024

The term “solo polyamory” was introduced to me by a playmate in 2022. Distinct from “dating around”, solo-poly people approach relationships without the expectation or desire for a primary partner. Being offered this term was a revelation because it gave language to a way that I had felt for years but never had the words to describe.

Having ended my last monogamous relationship in 2015, I’ve been uninterested in the default relationship settings ever since. I value my autonomy and the variety of relationships I have time for when my life isn’t monopolized by the demands of a primary partnership. I also have no desire to negotiate finances or domestic labor with the person/people I’m having sex with. Domesticity kills eroticism for me so it’s better that my lovers have their own space. While I remain open to the possibility of moving through life alongside a partner or partners, I don’t believe that it’s necessary to lead a fulfilled life. And I don’t believe that a life partner needs to be a romantic/sexual partner.

Growing up in a culture that enforces serial monogamy as the only option, I tried for decades to force myself into that mindset. Being a good person and an upstanding professional seemed to require conformity to this societal expectation. The problem is that I was unhappy being the main source of emotional support and domestic labor for my male partners. And I tended to dull my sparkle and curtail my social network in order to pacify their insecurities. Picking up my partner’s dirty socks and avoiding communication with platonic male friends built resentments that overwhelmed the positive aspects of romantic relationships for me. Call me selfish, but I felt like I was sacrificing too much of my identity for the benefit and emotional comfort of my partners.

So how does one navigate the world when traditional monogamy doesn’t work for them?

My introduction to the world of non-monogamy was admittedly messy. I went through a couple of relationships where I was used for the social and sexual benefits that my open-mindedness offered to my male partners. This is common for women in “The Lifestyle”. In turn, I played a pawn in the sexual fantasies of a man and was used as all-access-pass to events that favored women and couples over single men. There are parts of swinger culture that I find problematic; including the treatment of single women as, essentially, unpaid sex workers. That said, I’ve met some very thoughtful people through the swinger community who have done years or decades of work on self-awareness, communication and consent. It’s important not to paint entire communities with too broad a brush.

Ultimately, I was the only one holding me back from realizing my preferred relational style. Exonerating myself for lack of conformity was the biggest obstacle in my ability to move forward with authenticity. Once I released myself from the social obligation to desire a primary romantic partner, a whole new realm of possibilities began to unfold. I allowed myself to enjoy a level of relational freedom that I had never dared to imagine.

There are a variety of podcasts, apps and even Facebook groups for those of us interested in unconventional relationship structures. Retreats, conferences, parties, resorts and cruises offer teaching in addition to networking opportunities. But as more people are considering alternatives to off-the-shelf monogamy, it can help to have a framework for customization.

During a recent conversation with LA-based relationship guide, Ally Iseman, I was introduced to a concept that would have helped me tremendously in my early search for a roadmap to non-monogamy: RBDSM is a tool for clear communication that can help to identify and negotiate preferences.

R: What are your relationship agreements?
B: What are your boundaries?
D: What are your desires/fantasies?
S: What are your health status/safer sex practices?
M: What is the meaning that you're seeking in whatever play or relationship you choose?

Ask these questions of yourself, your primary partner (if you have one) and anyone you choose to enter a relationship or play with. The self-reflection can be like a North Star in your journey. The answers may change over time and between partners but communication is the key to success. The more practice you get, the more confident you'll be in asking for what you want. And on passing up what you don't. As you get more comfortable, you'll begin to attract those whose values are in alignment with yours.

It’s important to keep in mind that human connections are a long-game. Many people go through a "frenzy" stage in non-monogamy that's like a kid-in-the-candy-shop situation. “Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.” The decision about who to play with and when and where and why will take time. But relationships are about the process rather than the destination when the traditional “milestones” are released. That’s what makes this approach to connection so much fun.

***Do you have questions about navigating solo non-monogamy? Drop your thoughts in the comments or send me a direct message. If there's enough interest, I can coordinate and host a Zoom call to discuss.***

A Practical Guide to Customized Relationship Design

RBDSM as a Framework for Building Connection

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